Troubles of being underweight

I’ve been underweight for most of my life and of course I’ve heard comments from ex colleagues who envied me for being able to eat all that I can without gaining weight. BUT that is not entirely true. There is nothing to be envious about if you lived my life. It’s not that I cannot gain weight, but rather something is wrong with my body at different points in my life. It’s definitely ABNORMAL if you can’t gain weight when you overeat. And do you actually want your body to be abnormal like mine huh?

So let me tell you how bad it is to be underweight. I developed a curved backbone during my teens without knowing hence when this was discovered it was too late. I’m gonna live with this for the rest of my life. I’m over with being too mindful about my appearance due to the unevenness of my torso now. I’m more concerned with how uncomfortable it is to lie on my back or left/right side and even to sit on a chair because one side would sink in and the other would protrude out. I’m lucky I don’t have much back pain now anymore and my current lower back pain is due to my uterus condition. Still it’s quite hard to live with such a back and who knows how’s it gonna be for me as I aged? My back made me clumsy as well as my body is off-balance as compared to normal people, and it’s hard to buy clothes without looking awkward. The best way is to buy a size bigger so that I can be comfortable and also not let my back be noticeable. But I certainly don’t feel normal like most people ever since my back turned out this way. ☹

I really hate how people look at me, whether they are being envious or jealous just because I’m skinny. I hate that how I don’t belong to the M or L size like most people are. It made me feel I belong to this unwanted minority group that people detest. I don’t like being an S since sometimes I can’t find clothes of that size (it’s always the majority that is in stock). And being small and petite makes people treating me as a target for bullying. Some of them be it strangers or even relatives they tend to be mean to me. And often I felt helpless because I was not in a good position to fight for myself. Although I can try to appear fierce but people don’t feel intimidated on the first look/instance based on appearance and this made me lose out a lot. Being equally bad and toxic is just not in my blood and it’s not something I’ll argue and make a scene just to save myself. It’ll probably end up making my life more difficult than I imagined. 😅 So usually I simply just walk away or ignore in order not to satisfy their unbalanced emotional problem.

I panicked a little today when I saw my weight flashing on the weighing machine. This time at a whopping 34.95 kg – the lowest in my adulthood life!! 😱 I know this is happening and something for me to worry about since I can feel my protruding pelvic bone ever since I was down with corona. Recently I haven’t been able to eat normal portion still. My problem now is that I haven’t been able to eat enough, but that’s because I get bloated and full easily after eating small amounts of food. It was after reading about female health (uterus) that I came to know probably the problems that I’m facing over the years is due to my weak uterus condition. It’s so horrid to be a woman!!! In contrast to this, I did gained weight before during my late teenage life. I was a 46kg at my heaviest and it was deemed to be of normal weight. I may be ugly back then due to my ugly clothes, no makeup and oily hair 😂, but I was filled with energy and doing well just like how everyone is. I wasn’t having any health condition that disrupt my eating amounts, in fact I ate normally (not overeat) because as you know I didn’t have a lot money to spend. But I really slacked a lot because I wanted to get rid of the stress I had faced during middle school and I didn’t want this to repeat. I wanted a life without stress so I spent my time watching animes, listening to jrock music, chatting with all sorts of friends instead of spending my time on meaningful things (because I don’t actually have a direction in life anyway). Little did I expect that those were probably one of the best times in my life to be fat. 🤣 It would definitely be better if I wasn’t lacking in money so that I can be confident enough to up my social life instead of hiding behind the screen and tried to know people through chat rooms which I regretted quite a bit. I’m over with that kind of life right now. The only thing I miss is having the optimal health with normal weight.

I guess it’s pretty obvious to see that my weight decline after I’ve started work (job). Back then I didn’t think much about stress or feel that I was stressed up. Probably because I was in that kind of mode and didn’t spend much time reflecting or anything to realise that. I could eat a lot at the beginning (before 2019) and going to wedding dinners, buffets and I swear I was happily eating like everyone else. But if this happened when I was 18 I could be gaining weight. Instead as an adult, I didn’t. Something was wrong with me but I couldn’t figure it out. I even got myself to do a blood test at my GP who found I was normal in every aspect of my health, so he concluded that I must have been too stressed. STRESS!! You know how much I hate to hear that word? It’s like telling me there is nothing I can do about it when my gut feeling tells me my health could be abnormal. Fast forward to now, indeed it is. 😔

I pretty hate myself for having a low tolerance to stress. Yes it was after I’ve worked at a toxic Japanese company that made me realised I’m getting sick and how I cannot tolerate stress anymore. Especially after experiencing burnout and panic attack as a result. The stress from school and stress from work are really miles apart. In fact I once broke down and had to take a day break during middle school. Little did I know that I’m really bad at managing my stress level and emotions. And sadly, I wasn’t able to get help and to realise about my problem. On the whole, I wasn’t glad about being skinny and there’s really nothing to be envious about. People should be envious of those with a healthy curvy muscular figure, not skinny ones like me that look weak even though we don’t gain weight easily. But this definitely implies an underlying problem which there’s nothing to happy or proud about.

Being underweight puts me at risk. Now it’s worrying me. I’m not sure if I’m having malnutrition but most likely I could be. Osteoporosis, infertility, weak immune system etc… Do you guys actually like being weak? Nobody does. Whether physically or mentally. I’m not proud of my body size and health and there is nothing for me to show off to others with regards to this. I only hope people to stop judging me based on my size and wished they could be like me. No you will not wish so. My goal is to be fat now. I’m badly wishing to be of a bigger size like everyone else to feel good and normal. I’m trying to eat more although I’m still struggling to let my body not stopping me from getting bloated/full too soon. People should be thankful that they are eating well and gaining weight when they eat too much. You don’t know how much I wanted to be like you more than myself. 😞

Natural painkiller – endorphins

After my consultation with the doctor last Friday, I decided I need a way to relieve the pain at night during sleep without relying on painkillers. That’s when I started searching and began sleep meditation every night up till now. It’s almost a week since and I can’t believe that it actually works! It worked way better than listening to those music that claimed to relief pain. I know previously in March I was complaining that meditation didn’t work for me, but now it works! I guess probably I wasn’t looking specifically at sleep meditation but rather meditation as a whole, which can consist of different types and purpose. The thing to note about choosing the right recording is that the narrator’s voice must be soothing and calming, and accompanied with relaxing music in the background. I’ve found Caroline McCready recently that made me sleep before finish listening to the entire video, which is absolutely amazing. I’ve not listened to any recording beyond 20mins before this and now I’ve changed my mind to like such long videos because they’ll be so calming and relaxing to listen to. I’m really thankful for her work. 🙏

Some of the other ways to release endorphins to relief my pain

● Putting on heat patch for the entire day and night – This is probably got nothing to do with endorphins but it’s effective in relieving my pain but I have to use twice the amount than usual because my pain acts up at night (it has progressed to 4 or 5am till 8am in the morning). I hope this is only a temporary thing as I won’t want to keep using this for the rest of my life.
● Exercise! – This appears at the top of articles that I’ve searched for. I wanted to exercise, but I couldn’t do so for at least 2 weeks after my recovery from the corona virus. Which means the earliest time to do so is tomorrow! But I’m worried that I might accidentally exert too much force on my abdomen, or that my pain will stopping me from working out since it’s been disrupting my sleep. I guess this is something I’ll have to build up slowly to get back to my low cardio workout. I definitely miss it!
● Indulge in chocolate – Wow I’m glad to know that chocolate promotes the feelings of blissfulness. I have some chocolates that remained in my shelves that I’ve not been eating ever since I was sick. So it’s great that I can eat them whenever I like it now. 😊
● Laughter – Oh yes, your mood definitely affects your health. And when you feel happy and laughing it can help to relieve anxiety and stress too. I was feeling a little challenging to find good comedy to watch. Is there any to watch nowadays? Why is it that it’s hard to find when I need it? Then I recalled what I’ve used to watch – Running man and Run BTS!. Coincidentally I only remembered these 2 Korean variety shows but of course I’ve not been keeping up with the episodes at all. I wanted comedy animes but it’s difficult to find one that suit my humour level. 😂 Oh well, at least I have something to watch now better than nothing right?
● Get some sunlight – Yes I need to be back walking at the nearby park, once I’m able to feel it’s not that difficult to walk with pain.
● Taking a hot shower – We don’t have a bathtub in such a small home so I could only take long hot showers. I used to take quick showers but right now I try to spend a bit more time to focus having hot water splashing on my cold legs. It’s nice to know that it can help to release endorphins in my blood to make me feel good (in fact hot showers always relief my pain as well).

Maybe there are a lot more ways like playing music instrument, massaging, perform an act of kindness etc. which I haven’t been able to do so. But I’m glad to know there’s such a natural painkiller called endorphins that I can try without medication. I’m trying to be positive amidst what I’m going through now. I think I can consider myself to be lucky anyway since my condition happened while I’m jobless (or to be specific, it happened after I quit). Well, as what the doctor said, “Life is like that.”

I guess it’s still an art learning how to take it easy. 😐

Cosplay is not for me

Having read this article about a full-time cosplayer in my country, it made me recall this mini dream of mine that I’ve never got to fulfill it. It started when I first got introduced to anime by my friends in my late teenage years. Well, even though I was watching some animes I wasn’t that serious into watching but treating it as a way to occupy time just because my Japanese level is way too basic, and that the endings are disappointing each time. And then when my friend told me it’s common for animes to have bad or mediocre endings, I decided to read mangas instead. But because I haven’t got that much money to buy a manga book each time, I tried to borrow at a dollar (for a few days or a week?) each to read them at home. However they couldn’t satisfy me still, since I have to keep going back to the manga store and my reading speed is way too slow. I eventually gave up on borrowing and treating this as a hobby. So my anime and manga entertainment stopped until I reached my mid-twenties. 😂

As a student at that time, we had all the time in the world. My other friend who was into cosplay and became a cosplayer herself, introduced me to cosplay and tried to rope me in to join her into this hobby. However as you know, money is always the huge issue here. Firstly she gave me a guide on how much to spend on just a character cosplay – from clothes, wig (hair), contact lenses, makeup, shoes, props… it all adds up to be about S$200+. WHAT? I haven’t got that much money to spend on. Even my allowance per month was lesser than that. How can I ever come up with the money for just a one-off event? Moreover, what do you do as a cosplayer? Just simply stand there and pose for photos right? Tbh I’m not in for that. It feels so awkward to let strangers and photographers to go around taking pictures of you all day. And for the fact that you are dressing up for fun and not as a professional. Trying to be an anime character seems weird to me too. The hair in itself would make me look fake. It won’t be as bouncy in 3D as compared to 2D images. 😆 Furthermore, I had to take the time to make/alter the costume in which is definitely not something I’m good at nor have the patience to do so. While I could just buy the costume from a store, my friend did mention the size may not fit well and so she would make her own costumes to match exactly/as close as the anime character. I’m not a contact lens wearer too so it’ll pose as another challenge to me. 😓 I know about my friend’s point in doing this because she finds it fun to become something else other than herself – a way to escape from reality and making new friends. But the thought of just standing there getting photographed for hours made me feel uncomfortable. I lacked a lot in self-confidence back then since I couldn’t afford to make myself pretty with the lack of money. I was wearing used second hand clothes mostly passed down by relatives, and I don’t even have skincare and makeup products to use daily. So how can I afford to cosplay in the first place? If every character takes about $200 and each year there are few events to join, I would seriously end up skipping meals and torturing myself further. While it’s sad I didn’t get to experience what some teenagers have already experienced with the fun in cosplaying, but I wouldn’t say this was a regret to me. Since my desire to cosplay is really weak. The amount of money it requires is a turn-off to me, even though as I grow older I’m able to afford this now but it wasn’t something necessary and what I would find as enjoyable. Secondly I will have to spend a lot of effort in the costume and props. Thirdly, must I be part of a group to cosplay a certain character rather than going solo? I realised for most of the cosplay characters they are from animes which I didn’t watch because I have no interest in them. And yet they tend to be popular fantasy animes that many enjoyed. If I were to do this alone, might as well I do this at home. Why bother to go to an event venue far away from home and looking lonely as a character from an anime that isn’t popular where no one watches? Maybe no one would notice me at all and I won’t even get a single photo taken. Who knows. (Oh wait, I’m already not comfortable getting photographed by strangers in the first place) 😂

I guess I’m really an oddball. 😅

RazDaz | health is precious

Isn’t it fast that we’re reaching end of the week soon? Time flies for me this week, although I had quite a scare visiting the polyclinic. I need to get a diagnosis for my pain that I’ve been experiencing. And indeed I might be having a condition related to my uterus. But I’ll have to do further scans to confirm about my condition hence meanwhile I’ll just have to manage my pain with painkillers. I guess it’s obvious that I looked too worried in front of the doctor but she assured me that most likely I would be fine. I hope so. I didn’t know that having clots during period flow isn’t that normal. I mean I’ve been having that all along and they didn’t pose any pain except these few months. Well, maybe I should be ashamed of myself since I don’t really have much knowledge about periods and uterus health since my teenage years till twenties. When I experienced some symptoms back then, I didn’t think about researching it to know more since I didn’t get interested in it. And the online resources were lacking quite a lot so I wasn’t paying much attention. It’s something that I felt regretful now because it has to take me to feel the pain so that I can get serious about it? 😰 I guess that’s the thing about being humans. You can’t appreciate/cherish the peace and good until you lack of it. It made me really concerned about health and making it as a priority now. I will NEVER take it for granted! So right now while waiting for the next appointment, I’m aiming to read as many ebooks as I can on female health with regards to the uterus. I think soon enough I will be swam away with the amount of knowledge and I can recommend some books for reading too. 😄

I really miss having a good night’s sleep too. I’m all the more happy when I realised I was dreaming and I love the feeling of having dreams at night, because this means I had sleep! In another way I’m escaping from reality too so it feels great. I really don’t feel like waking up at all because this means I have to face the day and my condition and not know when will I be well. I’m trying to clean my room slowly these days. I’ve cleared some of my clothes that I deemed unsuitable. Next I’m gonna clean the book shelf. I like the convenience of reading ebooks on my phone but sometimes the screen can be glaring when staring for long hours. I thought of reading a hardcopy book and I’m trying to do that now. I guess my brain is definitely gonna be flooded with all sorts of information. 😂 But that’s okay isn’t it? I will still write a lot here as usual.

But most importantly, I hope to regain my health and sleep as soon as possible. Let’s pray and hope for the best. 🙏

Sum up: July

Just when I thought June was bad enough, this July it has to hit me harder than I’ve imagined. ☹ I couldn’t make plans not because I was lost (initially), but because of the painful cramps that kept coming and to be down with the corona virus. At the beginning of course I’m trying my best in finding all sorts of ways to reduce my pain. Firstly I did acupressure when I faced with all sorts of symptoms, from giddiness to nausea and for the cramps. It worked better when I use a small wooden stick that’s meant for acupressure and I felt relief at some point. However, I needed a lot of strength to keep pressing on the spot for 10mins or so, which is tough for me when I didn’t have much energy from not eating well.

So then I thought is there some music or sounds that can relief pain as well? I’ve came across some of these before but I was skeptical at first because I’ve tried listening like 3 years ago for what they called as binaural beats that could aid in sleeping but I didn’t feel it works? The sounds kinda confuses my brain sometimes and gave me a headache and I’m not sure why. Is that only my problem? I thought sound therapy is also a thing, but why it didn’t work on me? Well, this time since I was sick I thought I might try it again. There are so many pain relief/healing music out there and guess what? I still remain skeptical about it. That’s because I had relief for a short while which feels like it’s coincidental, and it didn’t really work for me consistently. There were many positive comments on the most of such videos saying that it could relief all sorts of pain and even excruciating pain, and it would work as fast as within minutes of listening. Some of them stated it took them 30mins or so. Okay, I’ve tried listening to them for 30mins or hours for each video but my pain remains still? Where is the relief? One time it could make me sleep peacefully, but the other time it didn’t. I tried using the same music, so when it didn’t work I tried the other. I could put on my earphones the entire night listening to it but sleep and pain remains as a struggle. It’s pretty bad to keep listening with earphones on for too long but I didn’t have a choice when I want to recover as soon as I can. Yet, why didn’t it change for the better for me? Is there something wrong with me? Is there just no cure for my pain? Am I that abnormal? Why does it work for everyone except me? Why?? 😥

I guess this year is probably not my year after all. That’s a little sad after going through more than half a year. I haven’t got productive and happy so far. Maybe it’s a sign that I need to pray a lot more. I’ve no idea but I’ll still need to go through the rest of year where there’s 5 more months left. Oh bother. Please tell me it will be over soon.

Addicted to: Tibetan healing sounds

Mood: 😞

Quote: I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Being envious of Yuka

Watching this big eater Kinoshita Yuka still remains as my favourite. Ever since I caught the corona virus, I’ve been trying to find ways to get back my appetite. And since I have so much time to rest and watch videos, I turned to watching Yuka’s videos again. The previous time I mentioned about her was in fact 2 years ago which I just realised. Because last year there was a point of time where she took a different direction in filming her videos which made me lost interest in watching her for quite a while. It’s not just me, but quite a number of people who left comments expressing their disappointment for the change. There were no subtitles, no more eat and talk (her usual style which has always been the highlight of her videos). They were so hard to watch for viewers and especially when the person who did the subtitles for her in English translation coincidentally disappeared. That’s pretty sad to see such happening. Even so, I’m glad I didn’t leave and still remained as her subscriber because she’s back at doing and being who she is again! Except that no one is doing the English subtitles anymore. But that’s okay because it’s still a pleasure to watch her eat. I would still recommend watching her channel because I’ve tried watching a couple of koreans doing mukbangs but they were unpleasant to watch. Koreans seem to have a bad habit of stuffing as much food into their mouth at one go and gorging down their food. They don’t look like they are enjoying their food by taking the time to chew and savour the taste. You just keep seeing them swallowing in big chunks. So what’s the point of watching someone who stuffed food down their throat? It’s way too unbearable to watch. As a viewer, I would prefer to see someone like Yuka that eats at normal-to-slow speed and really chew the food, describe the taste, showing the happy expression from eating and finishing the food till the last drop. In the end, only SHE can make the true mukbang videos among all big eaters. I guess only Japanese have the true spirit in appreciating food since they always express their thanks. That’s really one thing that we can learn from too. 👍

Believe it or not, watching her actually made me feel upset about myself. 😅 You see, she can even made it in life just by eating A LOT. Although her stomach is born to be different from us and could expand to 6 times than regular stomachs (as I’ve watched her getting checked in a Japanese variety show), at least she can earn a living through this way? It may not be a talent, but at least she could make use of her difference. Eating is an essential part of life and at least she doesn’t have to fret about going hungry because there’ll always be sponsors who wanted her to eat. She doesn’t even need to have any talents! 😭 Who knew even eating could be a form of business? Whereas when I look at myself, heck I’m always worried about having enough money to survive and my weight has dropped to 35kg+ due to the dumb ass corona virus. How can I be like her? How can I survive and make it in life? What have I achieved this far? It has been so bad for me this year that I’m beginning to feel useless about myself. 😢 Sorry for the negativity, but I still haven’t found my calling. While I may have this blog to keep me going, I’m still a nobody.

Maybe I need to do more reflection. Or maybe I still need time to heal before I can find out the answer. 😔

Anime | First Love Monster

Japanese/Other title: 初恋モンスター {July-Sep 2016}
[12 episodes; Romance, comedy]

A long waited anime post that I’ve completed watching before I fell sick. The fact that I’m only able to write it now takes a bit of challenge as I tried my very best to recall the scenes. 😂 Kaho is a middle-school student from a rich family who fell in love with a fifth-grader who saved her from a car accident. The best part which is the funniest is where we get so surprised to know that a big build boy like Kanade who looks like a college student is in fact a 10 year-old boy which doesn’t make any sense at all. But it’s not only Kanade who looks a lot mature than his age, his 2 other friends Gin and Tom is also huge for their age and they certainly don’t fit the typical image of how 10 year olds should look like. It was funny yet at the same time it may seem a little boring at most parts. The anime focused on how these boys spend their time at the playground talking nonsense (it’s always those willy jokes) and how they get Kaho in to join them. It’s really weird to see how Kanade is willing to be in a relationship with Kaho and it’s not the typical romance shows for us seeing them as a couple. It’s effing weird. Despite Kanade’s build like an adult, he’s really immature and kiddish on the inside. He really talks like a fifth grader and is all about having fun all the time. It even annoyed me when he wanted to break up with Kaho over ridiculous reasons, and also to use games to determine that. It really proves that he has no idea what love or infatuation is and he didn’t know how to maintain boy-girl relationship. He’s just too young for it! His actions annoyed Kaho too, and although she was angry I don’t think she knows what’s she doing. She shouldn’t even be in a relationship with Kanade in the first place, which to me seemed more like a joke than being real.

While Kanade’s actions like this sometimes will touched Kaho’s heart, I think it’s just not something to be taken seriously. In fact all other characters in this anime seemed way better and interesting to watch. I’ll rather see a small petite boy like Kazu for that his maturity is much more appealing. It’s a pity for Kota to be such a shy dude. Taga is very mean sometimes but hey at least I think he’s more normal that some huge-sized kids and Kaho’s brother. What doesn’t make sense too is that many of the male characters here like Kaho, including Kanade’s cousin. To be honest, there is nothing nice about Kaho as a female lead except being rich? She weirdly falls for Kanade just because no one has been rude to her and yet saved her. But despite coming across different men in the process while living in the dormitory house she didn’t consider others who are much better than a kiddish boy? 🤔 All it’s showing is how she felt guilty to be with such a young kid as her boyfriend and she was trying to hide it so that people would not think she’s a pervert or whoever who prey on kids.

On the whole, it’s an anime that tried to fool you into watching because of that funny first episode. But you will be in for disappointment as you watch further. Nothing in depth about the storyline but a little trying-too-hard to make you laugh but it’s a ridiculous show that don’t seem entertaining anymore. It’s a pity though, but its rating is really low so it’s really not the best that I would recommend either.

My rating: 3.5/10

Would I recommend?: Nope, I feel entertained only for very short while.

Read: The Communication book

I’ve been wanting to post this short book review before I fell ill. It was a good read as there were many tips although they were too short and concise. It was in itself a summary book on its own with strategies mentioned albeit not in detail. There isn’t much notes that I can share here since it would be equivalent to share the entire book. 😆 Still it’s something quick and good to spend time reading on if you would like.

My rating: Recommended ✓

● Attention span of an average person is between 10 to 18mins
● Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don’t say.
● People’s 3 biggest fears: loving someone without being loved back, searching for friends but can’t find any, saying something and not being understood.
● Every message has 4 layers: content, appeal, relationship, self-disclosure

RazDaz | not good to be sick

Hi World, have you been missing me? I miss blogging so much and these 2 weeks (almost 3! ~20 days) has been a torture. I was struggling with painful cramps during the week and after my previous post, and to make things worse I was down with the corona virus which made me lacked so much in energy. 😢 I couldn’t use my phone at the beginning because even scrolling also takes effort to do so. If I could use it to watch some videos that would be impressive enough. I couldn’t remain in standing position for too long for that I fear I would collapse, because I felt so giddy almost immediately when I stand. I still fear for it now and I continue to shower while seated down. It’s quite a change in my life to catch this damaging virus. After being safe for 2 years, I wasn’t expecting this. I guess I must have let my guard down at some point without realising. 😔

I was tested negative on 14th and 15th before I went to the clinic on Saturday night due to high fever. I was then confirmed to be positive on Sunday because the clinic swab test was only available during the day. The fever temperature scared me since I almost hit 39 degrees which broke my record. I was so afraid that if it get any higher, my brain might get too hot until I’ll turn into a lunatic. 😂 It was only after I read through local forum to realise that it’s common for most who got the corona virus. We’re really facing a wave right now since paracetamol is lacking in this country. 😲 What made me uncomfortable would be the sore throat which hurt quite a lot at first but there’s just no medicine for it except for lozenges. But luckily it only lasted for 3 days. I even vomitted on the first day of being confirmed positive and I’m not sure why. It was just that once and I had no appetite. I could hardly eat as it was difficult for me to swallow food down because my stomach wouldn’t stop bloating and burping each time. There’s also a weird coating on my tongue and sourness that lingered in my mouth which altered my taste bud and making me feel really uncomfortable. I had some other minor symptoms (blocked nose, chest pain) as well which occur like once or twice which isn’t a huge issue but it was also strange at the same time. It was also strange when I had the fever, my cramps would not exist. So when my cramps returned (on lower left abdomen/waist) I knew this means my fever is mostly gone. Those cramps would tend to appear at night, if early it would be around 11pm or else 2am or 4am which would be interrupting my sleep. During the day I might not feel comfortable to sleep while being sick especially since I couldn’t eat enough despite having a grumbling stomach. I can only sleep a lot last Wednesday which is like a miracle. It was really tough to be sick and I was so regretful for not doing more while I’m well and without any pain. 😢 I feel there are some lasting symptoms such as dry mouth which is something I cannot get rid of till now. It’s day 11 today and I’m finally tested negative. 😭 I’m most concerned with the fatigue I’m facing now since I want to get back to do all that I need (such as my half yearly cleaning and some chores). My energy is even more limited now and this isn’t gonna be good for me although I can still focus on rest before getting a new job but I reckon with this body of mine it’s just not suitable to handle work. Well well, let’s see in the coming week/month if body condition would improve. At least I can eat better now. I just need to be able to stand and go outside for walk. Can’t believe simple things like this might even be a challenge for me. Good health is really a blessing. I swear I’ll not be lazy anymore when I’m fit and well. 😣

Motivated yet lazy

What interest me last week was this video that I came across on my feed. I know she’s not the only one doing this style of vlog and I have already watched others of similar styles as hers but this was actually the one that motivated me to watch more! I find her videos so calming and therapeutic and it made me envision how this would be my ideal lifestyle if I were to live alone. Also, if I were to film videos just as motivating as this, I will do the same too – no intentional music played in the background (maybe a very soft one if it suits the mood), not showing my face, only having subtitles to express my thoughts, slowly cleaning up the room and cooking some food. The only thing that I find it a trouble is to film at different angles and I wondered how these vloggers have the patience for that. 😅 And what surprised me a bit is that she’s well dressed up even at home! Hey I won’t be able to do that, for that I want to be lazy and feel absolute relax at home wearing loose clothing and not be afraid of getting dirt on my clothes. 😆 Oh, and she would cook so much for a person’s share at home and keeping them for days (not something that I would do even though I’m a small eater). I’ll rather cook the amount that I can finish for the meal or the day. So I’m just wondering, is she doing these for real or just for the videos? Where did she get her motivation from? I don’t think all Japanese females are like that, are they? 🤔

Before watching Nami’s video, I came across random videos too about being an “exquisite beauty” (精致美女). In an attempt to take care of oneself better as a female, the woman came back from home and started doing LOTS of things instead of just eating and lying down on the couch with loose home clothes. She has so many devices and tools to assist her in her body care, hair care, face care etc. that she just keeps doing things NON-STOP. To be honest, as a viewer I started to find this a little tiring and terrifying. 🤣 Look at how much effort, time and money that has to be placed in order to be a beauty?! When can she ever really truly relax? I know as a woman we cannot be lazy in self-care but in my own definition, I think we can just do the bare minimum. It’s almost like those 10-step skincare in which I feel the retailers are just there to laugh all the way to the bank. 😆 We don’t actually need so many products on the face and a moisturizer will really suffice. Moreover everyone has different perceptions of beauty. So long as the skin is in good condition you don’t actually need it to be flawless. Likewise it’s not necessary to spend hours on makeup that would be a waste of time. It really feels like we won’t get any important things done when we focus too much on our appearance. But of course, there will be women who think that these are more important instead. Maybe I just can’t be like them. 😄 Being lazy is my new goal to allow my body to rest well. Then again, it’s really tough to be a woman.