Music of memories

When I first started this blog, one of the things that I wanted to write consistently is about music which I failed badly at doing so. 😂 To be honest, I was a little selfish and wanted to promote my favourite singers/idols as much as I can, but gradually I can feel something is off. I’m not good at writing or analyzing music anyway. I can only say how much I like the melody and how I felt about the lyrics. It didn’t occur to me earlier at that time that music is a personal taste and something that I don’t like to be influenced so neither should I try to influence anybody. So as I was going through my past posts on music this month I decided to delete all those related to idols and I’m not sure what I was trying to talking about. Damn it was hard to read how I evaluated them. Was I someone who likes mainstream pop so much? Maybe not. In fact my first favourite music genre was classical music I heard over the radio as a kid. It brings back nice memories of those days instead.

There wasn’t a particular song that I would know and listened regularly, other than a piano song that my eldest cousin would play which I still can’t remember the title of it. 😅 Then in middle school, I was pretty stressed with studying and the exams that I figured out that I should listen to classical music to help myself as I heard it should help with relaxing from stressful moments. And this is my first song that I remembered the melody clearly that it keeps replaying on my mind during the exams to calm myself down. Believe it or not, it really worked!

I really wished I can thank the composer for such amazing work but this was created centuries ago. And also the CD player that existed in my room. I can’t remember how a CD player would be there solely for my use but it helped me a lot as I would play that Canon in D CD for an hour plus of its entire CD length. Somehow as I grow and done with the exams I began to forget about this beautiful music and instead listening to other idols music to learn the lyrics while I keep replaying them. I could really spent my entire day at home using that CD player for such unmeaningful use! I regretted a little now, as I feel classical music relates more to the true me as I realized I love it so much now. Without listening to them for so many years I really lost it and forgot how to relax. It’s quite a pity as I look back on this.

Right now every night I have been listening to relaxing music before bed which isn’t any classical piece (eg. raining music) and it’s making me a little lost instead. 😅 I guess it’s because my brain is so used to remembering a fixed song melody so that I can recall and let it replay in my head. I happened to hear a background music playing in a drama and immediately I know it’s Chopin’s song and I internally squealed in delight! It really feels good to know and get back to what I loved at the start. It was embarrassing for me but I used to learn the piano at age 6 and couldn’t continue 2 years later. Piano is something that remains close to my heart and relaxes me. So I don’t want to lose it now. I may not become a pianist myself, but learning to remember all the classic pieces is my goal. They are like precious gems that our current generation cannot compose just like them strangely. They are still worth to be appreciated and not forgotten. 🙏

Chopin – Nocturne Op. 9 No. 2 in E flat major

Psst, I’m not trying to influence anyone in this post but to reinstate what was lost once within me. 😇

RazDaz | day or night

I’ve been taking longer time to fall asleep and to wake than how I used to and I’m beginning to wonder if ageing was the cause of this. 😂 Yes it can take me 30mins to an hour to fall asleep or to wake up in the morning. Should I be happy that this proves I’m not as stressed anymore? But while I was still a tertiary student more than a decade ago, I could wake up easily and not be so tired like now. I was happy I had so much time to myself until I got bored being at home. Right now time is never enough. I feel I can never finish doing what I wanted to and there’s still so many things in my to-do list. Plus I don’t have as much energy as I had back then. 😔 Although I probably get to do a lot in the past because stress makes me do everything quickly, I was always rushing and panicking. I’m glad I’m out of it now and I hope I’ll never need to do that again. I still prefer to do things mindfully without any rush. I don’t wanna risk getting any attacks anymore.

There’s something about time that confuses me since I was a kid. I thought the day starts at 6am once I’m awake for school until I learned that actually the next day starts at 12am in the night! I know it sounded funny but I think I have some sort of mental block growing up that despite I learned how to read the clock, I have no idea about day and night. I still think that it would be better if the time coincides with whether the sun is up or not. I would prefer if the day starts at 6am, and it reads like this:
● Day time with the sun – 6AM 7AM 8AM 9AM 10AM 11AM 12AM 1AM 2AM 3AM 4AM 5AM
● Night time without the sun – 6PM 7PM 8PM 9PM 10PM 11PM 12PM 1PM 2PM 3PM 4PM 5PM

I know it might seem atrocious since it’s a 12 hour clock so everything has to start and end at 12. But I have that idea of reading time like this at 6am/pm which to me brings more clarity. Maybe I’m a weirdo to think that way. But saying 12am is the morning when it’s a totally dark night time still doesn’t sit with me. 🤨 I have been confused for decades. 😂 Even if it has scientific reason for counting like that, I just don’t like it. Maybe this isn’t something surprising too. There are so many questions at Quora asking about what and why 12am/12pm and when do the day starts. Should it be more surprising that we aren’t taught much about that in school since everyone gives varied different answers? 😂 How I wished I could adopt my way of reading time and it didn’t need any complicated reason. My way is just easier hahaha.

Mysteries unresolved – the creeps

Recently there were news of women overreacting and being suspicious of men staring at them while they were exercising in the gym. In some cases they may end up assuming/accusing the men wrongly, but I don’t blame the women for their accusations at all! No matter how you look like as a woman, beautiful or not, the fact remains that men likes to look or even give long stares to women for whatsoever reason which makes us uncomfortable. I have a few encounters of this myself too, which is why I could understand why some women would rather make accusations than regret for not saying, especially if they have bad experiences from the past. I have some stories myself and yes, they seem to be another set of mysteries that I have no answer to them either. 😓

When I was in elementary school (age 9), it was common to move students to other classes in separate groups if it happened that there was no teacher available to teach or look after the class. So there was once where I had to go to the other class with a group of my classmates, sitting right in front of everyone on the ground because there wasn’t enough space. I can remember the scene clearly only because the boy made me so uncomfortable by staring at me THE ENTIRE TIME. I did not know him at all or anyone from the class. And during the whole session me and my classmates were just reading or doing a bit of homework while their class is going on. I had no idea why this creepy boy had his eyes on me without leaving or turning away, even as I tried to ignore and talked to my classmates and moved around a bit to avoid his gaze. It didn’t changed the fact that he was staring at me the whole time, not on my classmates, not anything else. That uncomfortable stare was as if he hates me and wants me to go away. He was giving such a bad vibe and I have no idea what’s going on but I was too scared to tell anyone about it. I was relieved only when I could leave the class and go back to my classroom after the session ended. That boy did not come after me or talk to me at all even after the class ended, or on any other days. So I don’t know who he is and what’s wrong with him (or me?) that leads to his stares. I don’t think there is anything wrong about me because if there is I’m sure my classmates would be telling me right away.

As an adult I do came across creepy men too. Once when I was on the way to school 3 years ago while waiting for the train to arrive. There was this old man who stood a distance near me and looked at me from top to toe. It was really obvious from the movement of his head and eyes scanning me from top to bottom. I thought there was something wrong with me from his behaviour but I don’t think so, since I was dressed as usual in jeans and shirt to school and carrying my backpack. What is wrong? What can be wrong? He made me feel SO uncomfortable already with those weird stares even before the train comes! When he was in the train he looked the same way at other people, until he was able to find a seat and start playing with his phone. I don’t know what is he up to and I certainly don’t know him at all either. I guessed he probably has a bad habit of doing that with his eyes/body since he’s the only one who does that, while nobody gives a damn about me usually. And my friends did not see anything wrong with me so it’s certainly not my problem. 🤷 The other time however, was when I still had anxiety and tensed. To make things worse, the moment I stepped into the train the guy who stood at the center facing the door was glancing at me multiple times even after I took a seat. Then again he creeped me out in suspecting that there must be something wrong with myself. Even though he was the only stranger in the train who gave me that look, I was on a verge of getting a panic attack as a result of his behaviour. To be honest, it was hard to go through but I bear with it till I rushed home. It was an ordeal that I don’t want to go through ever again. 😥

There were 2 more incidents involving tertiary classmates instead. There was this guy who always chose to sit at the first few rows near our lecturer. But he had an odd behaviour of looking at the door like every 10 mins. It was a very obvious act as the door is usually at the back of the classroom instead of the front, and he would have to turn his head and torso in order to look at the door. It was very distracting since he sat at the front and my view would include him when I look up to see the lecturer delivering his speech. Why did he keep looking at the door each and everytime? Was he expecting somebody? Or was he waiting for the class to end so that he can be the first to rush out to the door? None of my questions are correct though. He was usually alone and he wasn’t rushing for anything. But since he caught my attention so often I can’t helped but to see what’s he up to. So when he realised and looked at me in the eye, IT GAVE ME THE CREEPS! I shivered and wanted to run away immediately. I don’t know what he thinks or feel but the action was enough that I wanted to puke. 🤢 I’m not out to bash him but he was really weird. We never talked and I never get to know the reason of his behaviour too.

The other classmate was one who didn’t like to study. I was the only female in the class but I befriended a few guys without sitting together since there is very few of us to the entire classroom. This creep would follow me and tried to sit at the same row with me each time! It was obvious because even my friend from the other class noticed this and would tell me how he looks like he wants to follow me in what I do too since he bought the same brand and color of hard disk just like mine. Creepy much? I knew he was following me or trying to get near to me so I did a little trick in placing my bag at the seat first before the class start, which he assumed that would be where I’ll be seated and he sat at that row too. But just when the class starts, I would swiftly take my bag away and sit at another row of seats to avoid him. Phew. It was a close call each time. My friends in the class once told me they didn’t like him and I’m glad I can to sit near them instead. Once he happened to enter the same lift as I am and tried to talk to me about how he didn’t actually want to join this course. Okay, he sounded normal and not that bad. He was the only creep who talked to me only at that time. 😆 But I didn’t think of befriending him though. Luckily that’s the end. And he has his own friends by the way. Phew~😌

RazDaz | a little moody

Sadly I haven’t been in my best condition the past week. I experienced new symptoms this time and neglected my period health as I was still working on recovering my stomach. What a trouble this has to be. It’s really a trouble to be a woman having to bear with all kinds of issues. And it irks me that Friday doesn’t seem to be a good day for stall owners? I wanted to eat korean or western food but it’s funny how they did not stick to regular opening hours and not operating whenever they want to. I hate it when my craving/expectation is not satisfied. Not getting the right food really ruins the mood. 😂

In less than 2 weeks time CNY would be coming. And I’m still not ready for it. No new clothes, or anything new to welcome the new year. I didn’t make any plans (like a major spring cleaning) nor knowing what to do yet, but suddenly I felt I should do something about it. So maybe I would start cleaning my stuffs bit by bit to clean off the dust since I have nothing to throw away anymore. I bought much lesser stuffs since the pandemic and I could save a lot. I’ll consider this as a blessing. Maybe I should also use this time to relax or think better about the future.

Read: The Girl with Seven Names

Here’s the second book I’ve read about North Korea defectors. A year later I am still curious about this isolated country. Although the stories of defectors took place many years ago, things doesn’t seem to change much for the country in terms of development. This book was written in a different way as compared to Yeonmi Park‘s and I would have to say I prefer reading this instead because of the English command. While Yeonmi’s story was more detailed, every page you read would make you feel it’s horrifying each time which is a vast difference compared to Hyeonseo who mainly focused on talking about her own experience.

Since I was following Yeonmi Park’s channel and watched some other videos about North Korea occasionally, there were people talking about how she is a liar to over-exaggerate her escape and the bad situation in her home country in order to gain sympathy and selling her book. To be honest, I wasn’t sure what to think about this because there’s no way we can verify whether her experience is true or not. At least I believed what she told us about the regime is true and that everyone there was oppressed and not living with any human rights (this was also mentioned by other defectors too). Life must be very hard for them already so in my opinion let’s not nitpick on her story but rather try to gain awareness and perhaps offer help to them if possible. After all, she is still brave to keep speaking up about the current situation in North Korea even until now. If not for her, I wouldn’t have learned so much about this country as we weren’t taught much about history of other countries. I remembered we learned minor things like welfare state and industralisation, but never about history in other big countries like China, Korea, Egypt etc.. I feel I’m being such a donkey for not knowing about bigger issues existing in other countries. It was only through books I gain the knowledge about the world. Book totally earn my respect over school and teachers. 🙇

One thing that has always been in the Koreans’ minds would be whether a reunification would happen. There seems to be different thoughts about it among them. I think it would be nice if it happens so that those with relatives/extended families would not be separated anymore. But there’s a huge difference in terms of the lifestyle and culture due to the countries’ progression. Some defectors themselves have faced difficulty trying to adjust their lives in South Korea that they would give up and rather go back to the North. It’s sad to know about this, and so if a reunification were to happen, what would be done to close the gap between the 2 Korea? I can’t imagine how, but I hope for the best for them.

I was surprised over certain things like knowing fortune tellers in North Korea were so accurate, and that her acquaintance working at a restaurant got her eyelids done in Pyongyang (oh they have plastic surgery there too?). Hyeonseo’s story is captivating as each time I would be so curious to know what’s gonna happen next. As the title says, she changed her name so many times to prevent from getting found and be repatriated back to North Korea/China. North Korea defectors have to constantly live in fear even though they lived in other countries as there might be some among them who would betray others for own survival. 😥 I can’t remember all the names myself but I do know Hyeonseo is her latest name. She is brave and lucky to bring her family (half-brother and mother) to escape from Laos and I would say each time she is indeed very lucky, especially since she get to learn Mandarin while in China. She didn’t get threatened that much or being sold, and also she was a really smart girl constantly trying to think about her next move. Her story left me admiring her strong spirits in not giving up no matter how lost she is in a situation. She knows she’ll figure a way out somehow. This reminds me of a saying “Where there’s a will there’s a way” which is so true from her experiences. Since she made it, so can we! Stories like this always made me grateful for what I have as compared to them. 🙏

My rating: Recommended ✓

Current night routine

Yes, while I did all of the following in my past night routine post, this time I’m gonna write in detail what I have been doing every night before bed. I became diligent this time round (maybe since coincidentally it’s the new year) and started since the first Monday of the year. I’ve skipped watching youtube videos before bed since they don’t benefit me anyway and would interrupt with my sleep. Instead I’ll be reading my ebook but it’s quite dangerous because I can get so addicted to read page after page that I almost not wanted to go to sleep. 😆 It’s good to change my habit to something better, but I faced the problem of having too long process for the routine in order to make myself fall asleep. Maybe I should sleep earlier at 10 or 11pm to solve this problem, but it’s still a challenge to sleep 2 or 3 hours earlier so I guess I’ll try best to adopt a better sleeping time so that I’ll be ready once I get busy with work.

Long process before bed

1. Reading until 12.30am
2. Brushing teeth (may took 10mins or so)
3. Change to pajamas
4. Apply skincare
5. Stretching and massaging the body
6. Listen to Guided meditation
7. Relaxing music to fall asleep

I have to emphasize that meditation/relaxing music is effective for falling asleep!! It has been working well so far for me so I guess I’ll have to depend on it to aid myself in relaxing. At first I thought meditation would do since it already made me relaxed, but then I feel that to make myself even more relaxed I shouldn’t forget about music. I really love music like this without any human voices. Nowadays my preference for music is that it should not have anyone singing to distract or disturb my mind. More people should embrace relaxing nature or piano music and know that you can reap benefits better than mainstream pop songs. Anyway while I could still sleep very well till late morning, I still have weird dreams at night. So I hope with continuous practice in the long term, perhaps those days without any dreams will be back. I miss having sleep like that. 😊

RazDaz | clumsy me

The new year seem to start off a little pang for me (sorry I can’t decide what’s the best word). 😅 I overslept and had headaches, then last Wednesday I overate and had stomach pain (it was bearable though) which left me a little paranoid. It lasted for hours after dinner and I was so worried it won’t go away. I could sleep and it ached a little the next morning. Luckily I was fine and my body was fine. Everything else is normal. However I was also pretty clumsy and had 2 bruises on my right knee. Now I accidentally hit the same knee again and be having a 3rd bruise soon. My oh my.. what an amusing start. 😂

Recently I became craving for roasted seaweed snack. In my middle childhood days I like eating seaweed a lot and either I would buy the sweet seaweed packet to eat them one after another, or I’ll buy from a canteen stall that sells seaweed soup poured in a small plastic sleeve. As a grown up now, I began to prefer salty food more than sweet stuff I used to enjoy as a kid. So even for seaweed I switched to eating korean ones which is usually salted. It’s a little funny now how this would remind me of childhood, how I’m happy to eat this again although in a different flavour. It was part of me trying to take better care of my stomach, since overeating that day hurt my stomach so much. I began to be REALLY more cautious and eat REALLY slowly, to chew properly with every bite. And since seaweed is a healthy snack with vitamins, minerals and fiber, how can I miss this out? Sometimes I would overlook what I did to myself. When I get too hungry, I could eat in a rush without realising and forgetting that my stomach isn’t as strong as before. That Wednesday was a huge lesson and I swear I will not do this to myself again. 😓 I should stop being an asshole to myself! Maybe including the bumping of my knees too. 😅

I just gave up reading 2 books so far, which are 7 habits and the 5AM club. I’m sorry but they were hard to read and keep my interest up. The first one’s introduction were way too long, which I don’t get what’s the main point of those. I only know the more I read the more sleepy I get. The second one seem to be telling a story with many chapters before the main point of getting up early I supposed. What I disliked is to see how the author named people according to their occupation: the entrepreneur, the homeless man etc… Can you not make this hard to read by giving them names? Surely everyone on this Earth have names already in 21st century ya? Okay, that may be a small matter, but what dreaded me would be the way of writing, IT WAS SO HARD TO READ. I swear not every author express themselves a way to be easily understood or comfortable to read through the pages. I don’t get why they’re best sellers when THEY ARE SO HARD TO READ. Alright, maybe I’m someone with a different taste. Maybe I can’t appreciate their style. But I really can’t push myself to read them anymore and the only wise way is to give up on them. As you know I read for pleasure so I will not continue to waste time on something I felt uncomfortable with. The only thing I don’t get it is why are there many people who seem to enjoy reading them? It made me doubt myself in some way that I cannot make myself read like them no matter how I tried. 🤔 But alas, why harp on those 2 books when there are millions or billions of books out there for me to choose from. Maybe I do belong to some minority who can’t agree/like something compared to most people. It was an observation I’ve seen throughout my life. But that’s okay, because you know I don’t like to try so hard to fit in and agree without my own opinions or going against my will. Since I’m me, I will be me. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.

So this is the clumsy Kamie all along. 😆

Mysteries unresolved

Maybe it was my fault for being such a muddlehead. There were 3 things that happened long ago which still remained as a mystery to me which I feel like recounting them, in case if anyone would be able to provide some possible answers. 😆 I wished I knew the answers so that I wouldn’t blame myself too much. Those might be minor and silly matters, but still it’s making me uneasy without any justification. 🤷

1 – I was living with relatives as a kid and I only had a small kid-sized cabinet to myself. I don’t have much valuables at all since I’m still little but every little thing to me is precious even though they were just cheap stuffs. I had this key to the cabinet drawer where I could keep my notebook etc. but one day I decided I’ll just lock it and bring it to school so as to keep my belongings safe. The thing is, there is nothing for my relatives to see in that drawer, but I somehow felt the need to protect my belongings in some way to feel good about myself. Little did I expect that I lost the key during the day I had school and I have no idea how that happened! Especially since I was never careless nor lost anything prior to that. Did I lost it in school or outside of school on the way home? Or did my classmates took it while I was not noticing? I became suspicious because of that. It was more vexing when I had to get my relatives to break the lock of the drawer in order to open it. While I felt sad over losing the keys without knowing how, it saddens me more when I was blamed for doing stupid things like this. Was I wrong not to trust my relatives at that time?

2 – Once I’ve moved back to live with my parents, I occupied the room where the windows faced the corridor of the building. There was this incident where I woke up one morning and saw the top window opened fully. Not gonna lie that seeing this for the first and only time scared me to bits. It made me felt really uncomfortable. Luckily I wore pajamas to bed. But I must be looking ugly in my sleep I believe. 😂 What’s creepy is that there was a chair placed at the corridor right outside of the window. It was obvious that someone use it to stand there and to peek inside my room and opened the window wide. But why would anyone do that and let that be? Did the culprit see once, felt disappointed (maybe there’s nothing nice to see and steal) so he left swiftly? Why would he want me to know he could be spying on me? I remembered being very conscious from then on and would always be looking out of the window to check out if there’s anyone hiding or peering. Till now we have no idea who did that.

3 – This happened at work and I’m still suspicious of that ex-colleague. Although I admit, it’s at night and I was already exhausted so I might not be giving my fullest attention enough at work. However, that woman came walking around my work area to talk to her buddy and was holding/sorting some documents. I remembered I had the piece of invoice with me on the table and I needed to photocopy it. I was sorting out some documents at the same time before bringing those that I need to photocopy and scan. I went to the machine to do what I need, only to realised seconds later that only the invoice had gone! Out of nowhere! All the other documents were in my hands and were fine! I was shocked as I looked at the machine tray and the top but found nothing. I didn’t even have the original invoice with me! How can it be? There wasn’t anyone else beside me in the photocopy machine area, so no one else could have accidentally taken it away. I thought for a moment could I have left it on my table without bringing it. It was just a few steps away so I quickly walked back to check but it was not there! NOT ON MY TABLE OR TRAY! How can it be? It was just a minute ago I saw the invoice right before my eyes and I was holding it. How can it just disappear? I suspected that woman so I called her up and asked if she have seen or took my invoice accidentally but she denied it totally and didn’t bother to check. Because of that I can’t helped but to suspect her since she’s a toxic bully in our company. She’s the only one who walked past my desk area while I was busy with the machine. How else can that be? Although I do have to blame myself too for the brain fog. To be honest, I have no idea what happened during that short span of time within minutes. I totally couldn’t recall what happened to the invoice for no reason. Did I placed it into the folder for photocopying or not? My mind went blank. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. And yes, this is a one-off incident. I never experience anything like that before and after this. I felt upset again for losing something without a reason and without knowing if it’s exactly my fault or not. Luckily I can get the invoice reprinted from the other department. I am really not a careless person to begin with. But still, such incident would still happened and caught me off guard. 😔

What would your theory be on these?

Long story about my ambition/dreams

Ambition – the other thing that surrounds us as kids besides study and play. It’s such a stale topic to think and talk about instead as an adult. But nonetheless, I’m sharing my story of dreams that I have through the different stages in my life. I was never like some kids who can set their mind on just one thing and move towards it. I changed my ambition/dreams so many times and didn’t even head towards them. Sometimes I see the past me as a joke. 😆

At age 6, my dream was to be an artist. It’s funny because I don’t actually have the talent for it. I want to draw because I like to draw during our free playtime in kindergarten. But my view about the world is still so small, and I don’t know what else to draw besides houses. That’s the only thing that I know of. And funnily enough, I didn’t even live in any of those houses before! So maybe it’s was my kind of dream house to live in big spaces and seeing flowers and birds in the sky. I didn’t think so much as a kid. I just draw what makes me happy.

How my drawings are like back then

This is exactly how my drawings look like during my kindergarten age. I tried drawing this now using paint and this kinda brings back memories. I swear, every drawing looks almost the same like this. But I would modify a bit each time like adding curtain for the windows, extend the house by including the other side of it like 3D form. My drawings are too simplified. So you can see from here I’m the type who can only draw stick man. 😂 Yet when I was 9, I joined art club with my classmates because they wanted accompany. Eventually I stopped going because I didn’t enjoy it as the teacher was doing more on crafts than drawings and he likes to boast about himself a lot. Another funny achievement is when I was 14, I drew a worm on a dark background board for my art homework. I cannot believe when my art teacher hold up my work and start praising it in front of the class! 😮 How is that possible when I drew an ugly worm??! 🤣 How I wished I can take a picture of it as keepsake but back then mobile phones weren’t that good and mine didn’t have a camera. It was a pity I can’t get to see it again and show how ugly my artwork could actually ‘made it’ in somebody’s eyes. I think I did enjoy this art teacher’s class and we have this A3 size drawing block where I remembered I seriously use my time and effort to draw flowers (by looking at image from stamps). That was also something that I was proud of. Watching the art club anime certainly brings back such memories I had with art, which is something I’m happy to recall.

When I turned 9, I started to get some influence from my classmates. Most of them told me I could be a model or an actress, but I have no idea why they think so. They probably think I look like some local celebrity or that I will grow really tall in the future, but reality shows otherwise. It’s okay since I wasn’t that interested to be a celebrity at all, so nope I didn’t bother going for auditions whatsoever to join the entertainment industry. The influence my classmates have on me is to make a good picture of every occupation they know of. So I thought the same like them, that I can also be a teacher, policewoman, doctor, reporter etc… yet I was wondering why the adults could only hold onto one occupation and not be everything. 😂 What a silly kid I am. At that age I feel powerful in some way, which I guess it’s because we’re at that imaginative age being given hopes about becoming superheroes where we can do anything. But what a disappointment when we grow up to find ourselves feeling helpless instead. And what a cute innocence I used to have. At least I really did act like a kid.

At teenage age of 15, I thought of being a psychologist/psychiatrist, but I didn’t know the difference until much later. I was struggling internally about myself and my thoughts, and when there was this essay competition that we were told to join and submit our work, I became reluctant in writing about such a dream. I was afraid of being judge for wanting to deal with mental issues/illnesses, since back in those days such topics were not often talked about like now. So instead I wrote about how I wanted to be a neurosurgeon. 🤦 In no way will I want to be a surgeon of any kind opening up the body parts and seeing the blood vessels and organs. 😱 I wrote what I think will look nice to teachers and the markers of our essays. It was totally on my point of view and that was just so stupid of me. I bet they had a hard time to read since it wasn’t a sincere, genuine dream of mine. I guess I hate myself that much.

Then came the late teenage age of 18, I aspired to be a seiyuu after watching animes. One of my friends have the same dream too, but I did research on my own part and found that it was not feasible. Hence in the end I gave up on that dream and I don’t regret since it was a faraway almost-impossible dream that I’ll rather not waste my time on. It’s better to continue be an anime viewer and enjoy my time watching rather than working in Japan. Hahaha.

Once I reached adulthood, having to earn a living changed my idea of ambition/dreams. I wanted to changed my field of work and I considered being a journalist before because I like to write. Luckily I had the advice of an acquaintance that I had to write articles that could create a commotion in order to get the public’s attention. Come to think of it, it can be unethical and misleading people as your job is not just simply to report the facts, which is something that I am disappointed about. In fact I got a bad impression of reporters earlier in school (at 18 years old) when I called up one of them to report that they printed out a wrong photo for our project competition. Anyone who reads the newspaper can vote for us by looking at the photo of our work. It really looked nothing like noodles to anyone who has eyes to see. My friends told me it’s better that we get them clarified and do the changes, however the reporter was so rude and claimed that I was joking with her about it and shouted at me. She mistook the laughter as mine when it was the background noise since I called while in school. In any case, what’s so funny for me to laugh about a food photo? What is there to joke about it? It doesn’t make any sense! It seemed more likely she was lazy to check which article I’m talking about and didn’t want to entertain a youngster like me. But for her to behave that way instead of asking and checking things out makes me really unhappy. I felt maligned for nothing. I once thought being a reporter is fun (at 9 years old) as I get to interview people and report the facts, but only school made things pleasant. I enjoyed interviewing my teachers and I like how I can report my findings as a leader that time. I guess it was the only best experience I ever had.

Thus from then on, my ambition is to be a writer and it’s still valid for me till now. Which is why I keep this blog going. I may not have the best English command but I’m still trying to read and learn new words whenever I can by reading books. It feels good to lay out my ideas and thoughts often to practise how I can express myself well. In any case, if I were to have unlimited amount of time I would wish to get back to drawing. Since it’s the best happy memory so far and I could destress and express myself in another way. I do think artwork is the best thing to put up on the wall and see how great I have done. But then again, I’ll probably need to learn art well rather than keep drawing things like stick man. 😆

Udemy business platform

It’s holiday for me on Monday but here I am spending the time to finish a new course on Udemy business which is slightly different from the original/usual Udemy platform that I had used since 2019. I’m so glad and thankful that I was able to take courses there for free through logging in using my library account! This is such a great privilege as I was hesitant to pay for the courses because I won’t know how good were they until I paid and access them. I know it sounds contradicting but if the courses proved to be useful and the creator taught well I don’t mind paying for it, yet the reviews don’t seem to be that accurate in my opinion. And strangely, if it’s a free service I would be sure to use them well whereas for those that I’ve paid for (not only courses but also the books at my shelves) I’ve got no motivation to go through and read them at all. 😂

The difference I find in this platform is that I am not allowed to read or leave a question in the Q&A section, neither can I write a review and add a course to wishlist. (Edit: I can now read and ask a question in Q&A after enrolled my 3rd course but still cannot write a review, and to my surprise I cannot recommend a course as a way to replace add to wishlist anymore.)
I guess that’s the limitation to free accounts to only watch the lectures and totally self-study on your own. But I’m fine with it so far, since I didn’t have much questions as of now and I would use other ways to find answers anyway. And also the certification looks differently now. It looks damn boring and nothing like the previous ones with fanciful borders. Not sure if it’s because this is under ‘business’ account so the design looks different. I took the whole day to finish the 2-hour course as I was spending the time to write notes and did a little assignment too (although it will also not be marked). For this lecture there is no article to read. It was really a quick beginner level I guess.

Overall I’m pretty satisfied since it’s free and unlimited so I can’t complain. 😆 It’s a matter of picking up the right course to your needs and understanding which is tricky because the reviews aren’t absolutely reliable. Sometimes I think the creator may be good at teaching one course but may not be good at doing another, just like this guy. I was satisfied with the his previous Part 1 and 2 courses but not this one as it was far too simplified. I’m not sure if I was expecting too much but I guess I will know the answer only if I took up other creators’ courses as well to compare. So yes, I will continue to use this platform and I hope to always be a diligent learner who can achieve more. Way to go!