I’ve been underweight for most of my life and of course I’ve heard comments from ex colleagues who envied me for being able to eat all that I can without gaining weight. BUT that is not entirely true. There is nothing to be envious about if you lived my life. It’s not that I cannot gain weight, but rather something is wrong with my body at different points in my life. It’s definitely ABNORMAL if you can’t gain weight when you overeat. And do you actually want your body to be abnormal like mine huh?
So let me tell you how bad it is to be underweight. I developed a curved backbone during my teens without knowing hence when this was discovered it was too late. I’m gonna live with this for the rest of my life. I’m over with being too mindful about my appearance due to the unevenness of my torso now. I’m more concerned with how uncomfortable it is to lie on my back or left/right side and even to sit on a chair because one side would sink in and the other would protrude out. I’m lucky I don’t have much back pain now anymore and my current lower back pain is due to my uterus condition. Still it’s quite hard to live with such a back and who knows how’s it gonna be for me as I aged? My back made me clumsy as well as my body is off-balance as compared to normal people, and it’s hard to buy clothes without looking awkward. The best way is to buy a size bigger so that I can be comfortable and also not let my back be noticeable. But I certainly don’t feel normal like most people ever since my back turned out this way. ☹
I really hate how people look at me, whether they are being envious or jealous just because I’m skinny. I hate that how I don’t belong to the M or L size like most people are. It made me feel I belong to this unwanted minority group that people detest. I don’t like being an S since sometimes I can’t find clothes of that size (it’s always the majority that is in stock). And being small and petite makes people treating me as a target for bullying. Some of them be it strangers or even relatives they tend to be mean to me. And often I felt helpless because I was not in a good position to fight for myself. Although I can try to appear fierce but people don’t feel intimidated on the first look/instance based on appearance and this made me lose out a lot. Being equally bad and toxic is just not in my blood and it’s not something I’ll argue and make a scene just to save myself. It’ll probably end up making my life more difficult than I imagined. 😅 So usually I simply just walk away or ignore in order not to satisfy their unbalanced emotional problem.
I panicked a little today when I saw my weight flashing on the weighing machine. This time at a whopping 34.95 kg – the lowest in my adulthood life!! 😱 I know this is happening and something for me to worry about since I can feel my protruding pelvic bone ever since I was down with corona. Recently I haven’t been able to eat normal portion still. My problem now is that I haven’t been able to eat enough, but that’s because I get bloated and full easily after eating small amounts of food. It was after reading about female health (uterus) that I came to know probably the problems that I’m facing over the years is due to my weak uterus condition. It’s so horrid to be a woman!!! In contrast to this, I did gained weight before during my late teenage life. I was a 46kg at my heaviest and it was deemed to be of normal weight. I may be ugly back then due to my ugly clothes, no makeup and oily hair 😂, but I was filled with energy and doing well just like how everyone is. I wasn’t having any health condition that disrupt my eating amounts, in fact I ate normally (not overeat) because as you know I didn’t have a lot money to spend. But I really slacked a lot because I wanted to get rid of the stress I had faced during middle school and I didn’t want this to repeat. I wanted a life without stress so I spent my time watching animes, listening to jrock music, chatting with all sorts of friends instead of spending my time on meaningful things (because I don’t actually have a direction in life anyway). Little did I expect that those were probably one of the best times in my life to be fat. 🤣 It would definitely be better if I wasn’t lacking in money so that I can be confident enough to up my social life instead of hiding behind the screen and tried to know people through chat rooms which I regretted quite a bit. I’m over with that kind of life right now. The only thing I miss is having the optimal health with normal weight.
I guess it’s pretty obvious to see that my weight decline after I’ve started work (job). Back then I didn’t think much about stress or feel that I was stressed up. Probably because I was in that kind of mode and didn’t spend much time reflecting or anything to realise that. I could eat a lot at the beginning (before 2019) and going to wedding dinners, buffets and I swear I was happily eating like everyone else. But if this happened when I was 18 I could be gaining weight. Instead as an adult, I didn’t. Something was wrong with me but I couldn’t figure it out. I even got myself to do a blood test at my GP who found I was normal in every aspect of my health, so he concluded that I must have been too stressed. STRESS!! You know how much I hate to hear that word? It’s like telling me there is nothing I can do about it when my gut feeling tells me my health could be abnormal. Fast forward to now, indeed it is. 😔
I pretty hate myself for having a low tolerance to stress. Yes it was after I’ve worked at a toxic Japanese company that made me realised I’m getting sick and how I cannot tolerate stress anymore. Especially after experiencing burnout and panic attack as a result. The stress from school and stress from work are really miles apart. In fact I once broke down and had to take a day break during middle school. Little did I know that I’m really bad at managing my stress level and emotions. And sadly, I wasn’t able to get help and to realise about my problem. On the whole, I wasn’t glad about being skinny and there’s really nothing to be envious about. People should be envious of those with a healthy curvy muscular figure, not skinny ones like me that look weak even though we don’t gain weight easily. But this definitely implies an underlying problem which there’s nothing to happy or proud about.
Being underweight puts me at risk. Now it’s worrying me. I’m not sure if I’m having malnutrition but most likely I could be. Osteoporosis, infertility, weak immune system etc… Do you guys actually like being weak? Nobody does. Whether physically or mentally. I’m not proud of my body size and health and there is nothing for me to show off to others with regards to this. I only hope people to stop judging me based on my size and wished they could be like me. No you will not wish so. My goal is to be fat now. I’m badly wishing to be of a bigger size like everyone else to feel good and normal. I’m trying to eat more although I’m still struggling to let my body not stopping me from getting bloated/full too soon. People should be thankful that they are eating well and gaining weight when they eat too much. You don’t know how much I wanted to be like you more than myself. 😞